The Secret Keeper

“Forgiveness sets you free from anger”

“If you don’t forgive, you can’t heal”

“If you don’t forgive, you give Satan a seat in your heart”

“We forgive others when they don’t deserve it, because Jesus forgave us when we didn’t earn it”

Lies. After the abuse, ALWAYS comes the justification. We expect it from our abusers, but it hurts even more when it comes from our allies. The Church has an absolutely astonishing and reprehensible track record when it comes to abuse. Pastors, Priests, youth ministers, ‘christian’ politicians, Sunday School teachers, worship leaders…you name it, you can find the scandal. And it always follows a pattern. A brave victim comes forward and they are immediately doubted. Their past, their behaviors, their lives are instantly placed under a microscope. Not the abusers’ life, the victims. The church searches desperately for ANYTHING in the victims life that might justify the abuse they have suffered. If the victim is somehow able to stand up to the scrutiny, if multiple victims come forward, if there is a ground-swell of publicity and public outcry…IF…maybe the abuser will face some level of accountability. Maybe.

And then, the rush for reconciliation begins. Always the church searches for a redemption story. Why? Because redemption sells. The more shocking the offense, the bigger the potential for a powerful “come-back”. And the ‘testimony’ puts butts in pews and dollars in offering plates. The real kicker? The pressure to manifest these ‘testimonies’ falls on the shoulders of the most vulnerable. It is up to the victim to embrace reconciliation and pave the road with gold. What are the words the church is looking for? What’s the magic incantation that unlocks the corporate sigh of relief?

“I forgive you”

Those magic words wipe the slate clean. A spiritual do-over. Cue the tender worship music, warm up the offering plates.

It’s bullshit.

Forgiveness is an individual choice and should only be offered freely if and when a victim chooses. It should NEVER be asked for.

Does that shock you?

I’ll explain. When I wrong someone, there are steps I need to take.

1. Listen. I have to hear the person I wronged. I have to listen with my ears and with my heart. I have to silence my internal defenses and simply receive their truth.
2. Acknowledge. I have to own my shit. Without excuses, justification or defense. This isn’t the time for ‘my side’. Regardless of my intent, I have to own the truth of what I have done.
3. Apologize. I have to authentically express remorse for the harm I have caused.
4. Fix it. I have to find a way to make amends and change my behavior. I have to SHOW the change, not explain the behavior.

That’s it. The next step is entirely in the hands of the person I hurt. If I follow all of that with, “Can you ever forgive me?”, I have now change the entire tone of the apology and made it something the person I wronged has to do. The implication is, ‘ok – I apologized, now it’s your turn’, It places immediate pressure on the other person to do something to fix our relationship. It starts an invisible timer on reconciliation and the person I hurt now faces the choice to forgive or they become responsible for our broken relationship. What if they say, “I’m not ready yet” or “I have to think about it”? Do you see the trap? Now we walk away and suddenly, THEY are wronging ME because I tried and they refused to meet me halfway.

When Robert, my adoptive ‘father’ was finally caught molesting his 2 nieces when he was 17 years old, the family brought abuser and victims into a room together. A 4 year old and a 6 year old were forced to stand before their 17 year old Uncle, the young man who had been molesting them for over a year, and accept his apology. Then they were instructed to say, ‘we forgive you’. And POOF, just like that the whole thing was considered ‘handled’ and it was never spoken of again.

I lost count of the number of Christian friends and family members who urged me to forgive Robert for molesting my son and my daughter, my little sister and myself. I was urged to forgive him so I could have peace and Jesus could use my testimony. Bea, my adoptive mother even had the audacity to share, “I just know someday you and father are going to speak in churches all over the United States and share this story of forgiveness to change lives.”

Fuck that.

The truth is, I don’t forgive him. Even when I offered verbal forgiveness, I hadn’t really forgiven. I never will. There are things that are simply unforgiveable. And do you know what? I live every day full of joy and peace anyway. He doesn’t consume my mind. I do not walk around angry at the world. I am still a big softie at heart. I look for ways to help, to heal, to comfort. I laugh often and smile every day. Satan does not have a seat in my heart. My home is full of love and laughter and peace. I don’t owe Robert an ounce of forgiveness.

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Now I want to hear from YOU.

The church has been selling these forgiveness lies for decades, and survivors have been paying the price. It’s time we called this bullshit out together.

Share in the comments:

• What harmful “forgiveness” messages have you been told?
• Has anyone ever demanded forgiveness from you without doing the real work first?
• What would you tell someone being pressured to “forgive and forget”?
• How do YOU define healthy forgiveness (if at all)?

And for allies and supporters: What forgiveness myths have you believed? How can we do better at supporting survivors without pressuring them to forgive?

Let’s rewrite the narrative together. Your voice matters.